Legend has it that over 2,000 years ago, after vanquishing an opponent named Pharnaces II of Pontus, Julius Caesar was said to have uttered the phrase, “Veni, vidi, vici,” which, in modern English, translates to “I came, I saw, I conquered.” As so often happens, the truth was corrupted by royal handlers and revisionist historians. In fact, Caesar had just visited his favorite bakery, “Pharnaces II,” so named because it was the second Pharnaces Bakery to open in Ancient Rome. The original Pharnaces Bakery was located across the Tiber River, but old man Pharnaces was a canny businessman, and knew he could profit handsomely from Caesar’s penchant for the pastry; so he opened a second bakery near the Forum. One morning, after cleaning out Pharnaces II of every last pastry, a decidedly rotund and nearly sated Caesar actually stated, “Veni, vidi, fricti: I came, I saw, I frittered.”
It was in this spirit that, on the morning of April 29, 2012, two dozen intrepid cyclists embarked on the Third Annual Tour de Fritter. Intent on the goal of conquering every last fritter in Yolo and Solano Counties, on the way they braved vicious headwinds, climbed steep mountain passes, and survived cruel, knee-breaking sprints and garish clothing combinations. Ultimately, only a select few were able to prevail and claim glory in the race that was the 2012 Tour de Fritter.
Of course, there’s more to the story than that. As is now well known, the 2012 TDF was postponed and nearly canceled due to the last-minute discovery of widespread doping among the chief competitors on the UFI (Union Fritteriste Internationale) circuit. Banned and expelled from the event were the 2011 Grand Beignet (Lisa Johnson) and Lanterne Rouge (Roxanne Bittman), and the 2010 KOM Champion (Darell Dickey). Even the Podium Girls from the previous two years, Deb Banks and Deb Ford, were expelled. A dark pall settled over the event, and it was uncertain whether Le Director, be he ever so humble, would be able pull the proverbial fritters out of the fire, or whether the world’s most beloved cycling spectacle would be consigned to oblivion, as had the other, less well-known TDF cycling event held each July over in that place where they make Freedom Fries. Ultimately, Le Director, may he live forever, was able to bring The Fritter back as he promised: bigger, badder, and fatter than ever.
As fate would have it, the doping scandal was perhaps the best thing that could have happened to the TDF: it allowed Le Tour to rid itself of it’s bloated cheaters and allowed a new crop of hungry riders to test their mettle against a course that has humbled even the mightiest of fritterers in its day. This year’s field showed up for the Prologue early and eager for action. New competitors Jim “Le Bribeur” Pavlichek and Elizabeth “La Belle Femme du les Fritters” Matthews quickly cornered the limited fritter market at Starbuck’s in west Davis, and immediately bribed Le Director by offering one with him. New though they were to Le Tour, they had obviously been closely studying the the traditions and rules of Le Fritter closely. Late-arriving competitors were left to eat donuts, scones, croissants, coffee cake, and other pastries of a lesser God, and of course earn fewer fritters points. Ken “Le K-Chien” Johnson took it upon himself to travel to a nearby convenience store and purchase some Texas-sized cinnamon rolls in a vain attempt to earn fritter points. Le Director though amused, allowed him only half Fritter-Points, even though each roll contained 62 grams of fat. Cruel is Le Director.
After administering the Fritter Oath, newly instituted this year as result of the doping scandal, the peloton rolled out westward to Winters for Stage 1. The peloton set a brisk pace into a savage NW crosswind. Though some in the peloton were heard to mutter and whine about the pace being too fast, fortunately for them it was out of earshot of Le Director. Between Davis and Winters, the peloton encountered two mountains passes and one sprint point. Brendon Ishikawa won the first KOM (Col du Plainfield) and was second in the next KOM (Col de la Croix du 505); Leo Rainer won the first sprint. A bedraggled peloton wound it’s way into Winters for the Fritter at Steady Eddy’s Coffee House, where again the demand for deep-fried goodness exceeded supply. Those who were lucky enough to do the Full Fritter were rewarded with light, crispy gut bombs with a near-perfect balance of sugar, apple, cinnamon, and fluff – simply divine!
After tallying sprint, KOM, and Fritter Points, the peloton set out south and east toward Dixon and the Solano Baking Company, aided by a massive tailwind that pushed speeds well above the rate considered safe for casual frittering. But this peloton was nothing if not professional and not a single rider blew his chow along the way. Two sprint points, plus a special prime sprint announced at random by rolling eyesore and Club President Glenn Mounkes made for an exciting stage, with tandem riders Mojo and Robin taking the first sprint, Jim Pavlichek taking the second, and Walt Little taking the prime. Brendon Ishikawa made a good showing in sprint one, but both he and the Mojo/Robin tandem were caught out when Le Director announced the second sprint while those three were riding off the front. Brendon heard “intersection” but not “sign” and was still sprinting 300 meters after everyone else had stopped! The Stage 2 Fritters at Solano Baking Company proved to be of a softer, sweeter variety. What they lacked in texture they made up for in variety: Le Director observed and recorded blueberry and maple fritters being wolfed down by the gluttonous peloton. Would that they had a bacon and maple fritter!
The final riding stage from Dixon to Davis was delayed while Glenn Mounkes frittered away the day and racked up Lanterne Rouge points repairing a flat. While Glenn negatively frittered, the peloton reminisced about TDF I wherein Phil Coleman managed to flat, then pinch flat while changing tubes. Bad form indeed! Mojo and Robin rode several dozen laps in an adjacent parking lot, adding about 17 inches to their April Alpinsanity totals. Finally underway again, the peloton turned north into the teeth of the wind, just in time to encounter two more sprints points and the final KOM (Col du Putah), in which Brendon consolidated his lead in both competitions. Meanwhile, Jim and Elizabeth were duking it out for the Grand Beignet honors, each eating another donut as they were riding into the headwind!
The peloton would its way through downtown Davis where it was greeted by throngs of adulation: fans poured onto the course in their thousands to catch a glimpse of the majesty that is Le Tour de Fritter. Finally arriving at Sudwerk, the riders settled in for the for the Final Fritter. Contenders ordered the aforementioned Freedom Fries, onion rings, or calamari; the also-rans and Lanternes Rouges competitors ordering salads. While awaiting the delivery of the edibles, Le Director arrayed this year’s medals and set to tallying the scores in the various competitions. The hungry peloton salivated over the medals, and each rider said a secret prayer that he or she might be so honored to wear one.
Finally, the frittering was over and Le Director rendered the verdicts. Special recognition was given to Dave Fujino, who prepared and wore a special Simpsons-based cycling kit that captured well the spirit of Le Tour de Fritter – chapeau Dave, and welcome new competitive category for 2013! The Lanterne Rouge was awarded to Glenn for his God-awful cycling kit and inability to change a flat at anything remotely faster than a glacial pace. Brendon double-medaled, winning both the KOM and sprints competition; though he tried to also win the Lanterne Rouge by blatantly and repeatedly displaying his little plastic bag of “Edible Plants Only”, Le Director regarded such antics as shallow and not befitting a true doper. This year’s Grand Beignet was a dead heat between Elizabeth and Jim, and in the end it came down to a tie-breaker, based on finishing position in the sprints and KOM: Mr. James Pavlichek was crowned Le Grand Beignet for the 2012 Tour de Fritter.
Sadly, the end of the 2012 Tour de Fritter was marred by tragedy when Russel Reagan overpowered Glenn, stealing his prize medal and wolfing it down Smeagol-style. “It’s my birthday present, and I wants it,” he was heard to whisper under his breath just before he pounced.
Le Director wishes to extend his gratitude to the businesses that played host to this year’s TDF, Starbucks, Solano Baking, Sudwerk, and especially Steady Eddy’s in Winters, who special-ordered fritters just for the TDF. He also congratulates all those who frittered this year, especially those new to the event, and invites many and more of you to come out and join the race next year. It is the look of pain, suffering, and anguish that warms the cockles of Le Director’s heart. We look forward to next year being better than ever. And remember, keep up your training: you can’t come and out and expect to fritter the day away; it takes practice!
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Le Tour de Fritter 