The cycling world was rocked today with the revelation of widespread use of doping products among nearly all prospective riders of Sunday’s Tour de Fritter. In a coordinated pre-dawn raid of team hotels in Davis and surrounding cities, law enforcement authorities discovered massive quantities of banned cholesterol-inhibiting drugs such as Lipitor, Altoprev, Zocor, and Vytorin, in addition to the heartburn medications Zantac, Prilosec, Tums, and Maalox, to name a few. Several team directors and trainers have been placed under arrest and all riders have been banned from the competition. “We are all very disappointed, though not surprised by this development,” said Tour Director, Le Director. “But we are determined to have a fair and untainted competition. For that reason we have postponed the event until such time as we are assured that all riders are clean.”
News of the postponement was met with mixed reactions from the riders. Some greeted the news with glee. “Since I’m under suspension until the end of the month for past doping infractions, I’m happy that I’ll have the chance to ride in the event this year!” said Brendon I. Roxanne B., perennial Lanterne Rouge and wheel sucker, reacted emotionally, bursting into tears and crying, “Why? Why?! I’ve training the entire year for this one event, practicing insults to hurl at our Beloved Director. And now it is all for naught! O! Woe is me!” Paramedics sedated her and transported her to the insane asylum. Others, such as Ted S. met the news with resignation. “Since I am a mechanical doper anyway, it doesn’t really matter,” said the recumbent rider. There was a general sense of relief in the peloton, as the forecast for wet and wintry weather would surely have meant great suffering. “Perhaps it is for the best, ” said Le Director, ” as the lack of quality in this field was apparent. I am certain many would have abandoned before even one pedal was turned in anger.” He shook his head in disgust.
Tour officials would not comment on when le Tour de Fritter would be rescheduled. “It all depends on how long it will take to scour the dopers from our sport. We will not rest until we have done so,” said Le Director. Ever the congenial host and fritter promoter, he hastened to add that copious quantities of TDF-sanctioned fritters and donuts could be had at Steady Eddy’s Sunday morning, even though le Tour would not be held.
Stay tuned to official Tour de Fritter media outlets (facebook.com/tourdefritter, tourdefritter.com) for developing news.
Le Tour de Fritter 